It's about time for my what seems like once a month blog entry, so here it is. As you may have guessed from the title, this post is going to be about a rollercoaster. oh, how I wish it would be about a real, fast, wind whipping through your hair type of rollercoaster...but alas, it is not. It's of the emotional variety.
Our one year mark in site is approaching, which for some reason is vastly different than the one year in country mark. There is just something to be said about being in your community for a whole year and knowing you have exactly one year left. When we first got to training, a lifetime ago, they showed us this graph of what the "typical volunteer" goes through...the emotional ups and downs, if you will. It was supposed to help us realize that it's "normal" to live the emotional rollercoaster that so many volunteers feel. It showed a deep valley at the one year mark, a low point. So we all have that to look forward to, and it seems as if I'm right on schedule.
Summer has been tough, people are on vacation, it's a zillion degrees and everyone, myself included, is just too lazy to get anything done. I mean honestly, would you want to do anything productive if it were 100 degrees with like 85% humidity?! Me neither. So anyways, with my American mindset I typically value the outcomes of my work, the tangible successes. As I'm sure you can imagine this is tough when you aren't actually doingggg any projects. Luckily, I did my World Traveler Camp which was a huge success. However, other than that I haven't done a whole lot in my site that I consider "successful". I've been told that year 2 is where a lot of volunteers hit their stride and really get down to business and do their most valuable work. I hope this is true, for my sake. I want to take the older and wiser volunteers' advice but it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes.
Also, I've come to the strange realization that being a perfectionist is nottt super great for being a peace corps volunteer (obviously, this may not be true for all volunteers...but it is for thiissss one). I say 'strange realization' because in the States this is one of my biggest assets. It's something that helps me achieve things and keeps me on track. Here, it has sort of hindered me. I've lived here for over a year and I don't know as many people as I should, or as many as I'd like to, and many people will just say "then go out and meet more people" but for me it isn't that simple. Here is where my perfectionism takes over. I get a crazy anxiety that I'll make even the smallest mistake in my language that I just choose to not even try. and I realize that sounds so crazy, but it's true. I can clearly have conversations with people...I wouldn't say I'm fluent by any means, but I'm definitely able to get by and get my meaning across and I can understand the majority of what people are saying. It's absolutely absurd that I'm afraid to speak to people. It's insanely frustrating to realize this too because there is only a very small part of me that actually wants to remedy it. I don't want to change the perfectionist in me because that is what will help me when I go home to the states. I plan on going to medical school and that part of me is what helps me to thrive. I'm sure you're thinking something along the lines of "Ambyr, just lessen it a little bit, and get out there and meet people" and I agree with that sentiment, you'd be perfectly right in thinking that. Unfortunately, it's just harder than it sounds. So anyways, all of my thinking has put me in sort of a bad place. Hopefully it's all only temporary.
I don't post this to have my readers feel sorry for me or whatever. I just want to give an accurate depiction of what a real PCV might feel throughout service. This job is much more than just the projects we do and the people we meet. It's our whole life.
So by now I'm sure you're all thinking "Ambyr, this doesn't seem like a rollercoaster! It just seems like a depressing story!" Well, recently I've slowly but surely started (finally!) the ascent. I've started to see that little, dim light at the end of the tunnel. I've started organizing some work for myself. I'm starting an English class for children with the help of my fantastic host sister, Leti, because she's interested in getting some teaching experience andddd she's basically fluent. I'm also in the organization steps for a pregnancy group where the women will learn basic healthy practices while being pregnant. I'm also the new Logistics Chair for Camp Gender and Development for next year (WOO!). Annndd, my world camp is becoming very popular and people are asking me left and right about it. I'm hoping to do some trainings on it, and we even created a manual for future volunteers.
Sure, I won't feel like a million dollars immediately, or maybe I will...it's so hard to say while being here. But at least I might feel like a million Guaranies?! I like to think of myself as someone who is very in touch with her emotions, but here in Py I might as well be meeting myself for the first time, sometimes. Going through emotional rollercoasters seems to be a common thing, in the long term of 2 years, but also on a daily level as well. It's crazy the amount of times I've heard "yeah I've gone through 10 different emotions in one day!", and it's true because I've felt that exact same feeling.
so yeah, that's about it. Sometimes you feel up, sometimes you feel down, but in the end the whole damn rollercoaster was worth it! (or at least I hope it is! HA)
*****UPDATE: I posted this blog entry yesterday (3/15/15) and today for the first time ever I got invited by someone I don't really know to hang out and chat with some ladies. I forced myself to go and I felt really good about it afterwards, and there might some really awesome potential to work with these ladies in the future. I'm actually going to set up a little English date with one of the ladies tomorrow to help her work on her English! It just goes to show that it really is a roller coaster and that Someone is really looking out for me up there! :)
